Just as nothing in life is fair...good people get sick, smart liars get away, and innocent people locked behind bars.  Love will never be fair.

There will always be something one can give where the other is not capable of and there will always be something one can take and the other cannot.

Two different educational backgrounds, cultures, tolerance levels, financial situations, interpretation of words make up two very different souls.  Even with the same genetic make-up, we come to different perceptions, conclusions and emotional reactions.  There seems to be no control over it.  And there seems to be no true measurement of love.

If we can first understand then accept that our love for each other will always be imbalanced, we'll be okay.  The trick is, just don't let it tip over.  And I still truly believe that a healthy relationship will result with the mutual understanding that one should give love in different colors, shapes and sizes but expect nothing in return.

Unexpectedly, tears of confusion and sadness rolled down my eyes.  You'd think I'd be over this by now.  It's been a year.

For some strange reason I end up crying during my subway rides.  I'm glad I'm not the only one since I've seen people do the same.  Others do even stranger things.  The shower is another popular place where my tears just naturally roll down.  The sound of heavy water droplets trigger the release of the emotions trapped within.

On my train ride...

I remembered the day I came home from work and found a purple Cala Lily shaped chocolate on a stick laying on top of my fluffed pillow.  With a smile I slowly picked it up and gently stared at it for a good half a minute.  I wondered who it was that thought of me that day...who it was that thought I was special...

I bet it was dad!  He's sweet like that.  So I excitedly walked downstairs to thank him.  With a confused look he smirked and said that it wasn't from him.

Was it my sister?  I thought...yeah!  We like to leave each other surprises now and then, but not usually on our pillows.  I walked over but nope, it wasn't her either.  Dazed and perplexed I decided to call a friend who would be next person that would leave me such a sweet present.  But it wasn't him.

To this day, it hurts me, it confuses me, it angers me...that the person I didn't think of was my boyfriend at the time of 11 years.

I'd like to attribute my jealous spurts to having the middle-child syndrome.  So when I was asked to to list three things I'm looking for in my next relationship the one thing I had to note was a loyal person.  My only ex-bf was 100% loyal yet I still had my jealous tendencies.  Though deep down in my heart I trusted him.  Maybe it was because he was such a 'nice guy' I felt he paid more attention to people other than me?  Ironically that was one of the reasons I was attracted to him in the first place - everyone said he is 'such a nice guy.'

My father and I occasionally have love and life chats over food.  Loyalty is like trust he told me this weekend.  It is affected by uncountable factors and is based on the individual.  I understood and learned that loyalty, like trust is not something you get becuase you ask for it, but rather something you give.